I don’t know why it is that I feel so alone, alone in this world. A single me, standing in the middle of a forest. No one insight but me. I just feel so alone, especially in the midst of a crowd. There is a hole in my chest. Do you know Ulquiorra? The hollow with the hole? It is as if I am looking into the mirror, a reflection. There is a piece of me missing. 

To tell you the truth, I am not looking for complements in my confidante. I am looking for someone who understands me, someone who understands my pain, my loneliness, that feeling of sadness, of depression located secretly in my body, unfulfilled. 

It is not happening, is it? Ha, ha, ha.

What a pathetic fail of life. I feel angry. I hate the parents who cannot understand. I hate them for not understanding me, hate it, hate it. You and your fucking pathetic mood swings. I fucking hate you. I hate the way you fucking talk to her. Why are you with her, and I cannot understand how she can fucking stand your fucking tone of voice. No one fucking talks to me like that. 

Breathe in

As I breathe out to the world, a sense of emptiness filles within. A hole within my heart, an emptiness, a cavity that is gnawing at the bone, something that can never be fulfilled. What will I fill m void with, you ask? I avoid it, to avoid facing the void and in my vain attempt to ignore the impossible emptiness, aching to get out and invade my so-called soul. 

Time of the Year

It’s that time of the year again. I am so angry, so unfocused. I don’t know what’s fucking wrong with me. I hate myself so much. I wat to jump off a fucking bridge, and end this pathetic life of mine. I am depressed, frustrated, sad, angry. Nothing good is coming out of anything. I am getting a fucking B+ on the literature class. Whatever happened to how I am going to do fucking well this semester. I hate my fucking self so much. Why don’t I just fucking kill myself. Because I am a fucking coward, that’s what. A giant blob of fucking coward, no courage. I have the fucking practical in one hour, and whtat do I do, I fucking waste time. Fuck me. 

I fucking suck. Even though I fucking studied for that fucking test, I still got a fucking B+. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

All alone in this fucking pathetic world. 


Friendless, lonely, with nowhere to go. Wandering alone in the city. Knowing that no one cares, there is no compassion, no kindness. One only cares about self, and as an entitiy of self. 

No response. No one wants to be friends. Everyone has their own separate ones, and one can only look from afar. But these things should not matter. One will not wallow. If one must, cut. cut deeper, cut multiple but one must be functional. One must work hard. Work away and fuck all the other bullshit. One will delve deep into subjects, and fuck all else. 

Solo in the World

I feel so alone. Very alone, very lonely. Just like the 2ne1 song says, All alone, all alone, I’m always all alone.

It’s ok. I am going to stand this, I am going to with stand this pain and when I get into  med school, I’m going to have my share of fun. I am going to get dead drunk. I can do this. I need to get through this sea of pain, this ocean of loneliness, of failure. After I am all done with this bull shit, I will have my share of fun. I will get super drunk every day after I get in. I can do this. 

Letting it Out

I guess I’m writing out this passage so I can concentrate on my school work but I really liked the fact that he came and talked to me today.

After that, I just kept thinking about him. Perhaps it’s the hormones but I really want to have a romantic relationship with him even though I know it’s not possible. I just don’t know how to go after a guy and profess to him my feelings. I also feel as though my feelings will be rejected and it’s just awkward. I don’t really know him. I just know that i like the way he dresses, I like his cute dimples, his smiles, his smartness, his friendliness and his swag. But I guess it’s just not possible. I just possibly can’t talk to him. Might as well focus on other things for now and just let this be a beautiful memory of the past. I just don’t know how to talk to him, how to approach him, how to become friends. I can only watch from afar, and hide my feelings inside. Is it ok though? I don’t know, but I guess we will see. 

I’m Lonely

Sadness, I guess it’s because I am lonely. Oh so lonely. I’ve never realized this but I’m such a loner. I can last days without talking to anyone, I don’t have many friends, and I realize just how lonely I am.

I don’t know. So lonely. I guess that is what’s making me sad. The loneliness. I guess high school didn’t seem that lonely since I’m in class with people I know and see everyday, but in college, it’s so different and I guess it’s what my life is going to be. I don’t really mind the loneliness that much, it’s just sometimes I don’t think I can take it. It makes me feel so sad. People are liars, betrayers and I am lonely. So lonely. 

Where is that special someone of mine? Someone who will always be there, who talk to me everyday. My search is futile. I cant find him, not in here anyways, definitely not here at this school. I guess I just can’t find him. What’s so difficult? I just want someone to be there, to see him everyday, to respond to my messages. I see others with their beloved ones and I guess I won’t be able to find mine. 

I’m not worried about the future. I just want satisfaction now. Why can’t someone always be with me, just there for me. I know that I sound like a pathetic little bitch, but I can’t help it. My so called feelings year for closeness, for comfort. Guess it can’t come true. hahaha.

I see them though. I see that other people have found their special ones. The plaid shirt guy with the white girl. Why can’t I find someone like them? They are always together so why can’t I find someone like that? 

Oh life. 

Days of Familiarity

Carefully opening the letter, I received the great news that awaited me. I am accepted to the top program of the country, with free tuition, with no burden for my family. A sense of elation and happiness washes over me, a feeling that I have not felt for a long time. Happiness, smiles, laughter. 

I stand at the beginning of a hallway, the doorway to the bright future, to a life of success and accomplishments. It smelled of books, of education, of learning. Standing there breathing in the air of knowledge, I am greeted by familiar yet blurry faces. I smile at this sense of peace, this sense of openness, where I can open my heart to them. They are people I can trust, people whom I can trust with my life, with no taint of the negatives that plague mortals. 

Class is in session.

On this Dark Day

i feel trapped and very unproductive this past week. Worried and anxious. I don’t know why, but I feel like I can’t accomplish anything. I am sad, so perhaps I am a depressed person at heart? Sad no? 

I imagine myself as an ancient poet, against the backdrop of the beautiful scenery, the ancient scenery and sprout out sad and morose poems. I wonder as why I am so unproductive, why I feel so angry and sad. I don’t know why. I am troubled, troubled by the sadness of life, trapped in a forever maze unable to get out.

No one is able to understand me as I scream at the bottom of a well. Sometimes when I look at life I just feel so so sad. What is the purpose? Why are we here? Well I know that there is no answer to these questions, it makes me sad, oh so sad. I want a different life, a life that is far from here, where I will never have to look past. I wat to go back to the past, to the lake of the unkown, to the beautifl nature that is unseen around me. I am forever trapped, trapped in a place I do not fit in, with no one to understand. 

The so-called friends are friends of the surface, who can give no emotional support or understanding. Is it so hard to find my soul, the other half who will understand me? Amid the ten billion people in this world, my other half is unreachable, a kite whose strigns were cut, flying in life with no directions. Now that is my life, I have no directions, nothing, just emptiness. Pure emptiness. 

Findings of the Past

I was shocked to find about their relationship, surprised because I claimed him to be mine, not yet conquered. But I can see how he may find her charming, her and her fobby charms. I am a bit disappointed, disappointed in that none of my endeavors are successful. What I hope in writing this is that I hope to put this past me, that this is not important. I must suffocate this emotional side of me, pouring it out into paper and extinguish the subtle pain. Goodbye. I need to not concentrate this and allow this to past it to me. As I crave for emotions, I want to push it away. I hate it. I want to stay at equilibrium and not go for the highs and lows. I know that I cannot send this to Donna because she holds to many secrets of other people. Perhaps I resent her for this, too many people telling her their secrets, their worries. For this, she does not deserve this. My secrets will no longer be important. It is just one of many that pass before her. I should just concentrate on school, on work. Emotions, feelings are too much for me to handle. I wish to live alone in a forest, where I won’t have to face the darkness of the outside, the pain and betrayals of other people. I am going to hide in a corner and disappear from the surface of this Earth. Goodybe. 

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Dream Diary